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! ! !DISCLAIMER! ! !

Below are jokes and user submitted jokes. Some of them may contain offensive material. If you are offended by these, please do not scroll the page down to look at them. By scrolling down, you agree that you are fine with the content and view them on your choice. SkyNet Studios will NOT be held responsible for people who are offended with the material listed below. .

Women of 35 think about having children.  What do men of 35 think about?
Dating Children.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"How sad - a dead bird".
The other man looked up and said, 'Where?'.

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Husband: 'Want a quickie?'
Wife: 'As opposed to what?'

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Glue the TV remote between his ankles.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries and clitorises?
They miss them all.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll stay.

Husband:  'I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put it in it.'
Wife: 'You wear briefs don't you?'

Why is an impotent man like a Christmas tree?
They both have balls for decoration.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for the children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.

Little boy: 'Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl clean?'
Mother: 'No, just flush it like everyone else.'

What's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer?
The taste.

How did the constipated mathematician relieve himself?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess snails make?

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.

What's the best thing about sex with a dead hooker?
You don't have to pay her.

What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
Never take her out again.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have string.

Why do women have periods?
Because they flippin well deserve them!

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you've eaten.

How did the Red Sea get its name?
Cleopatra used to bathe there periodically.

What's the difference between a pitbull and a woman with PMS?

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five drinks.

How do you get a granny to shout 'Cunt!'?
Get another one to shout 'Bingo'.

What animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?
A police horse.

What do elephants use as tampons?

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny
All he got was a mouthful of cum
'Cos Jill's a flippin tranny

What's a shitzu?
A zoo with no animals.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?

How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get @$$holes until they're married.

Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!

What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.

What's better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy

Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
Better traction.

What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
Push it aside and keep on eating...

How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).

What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of flipping time.

Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.

Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.

What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Yell at her.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Why can't women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

What's a virgin and a balloon have in common?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
Their shaky hands!

What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead.

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
Whore's screw everyone at the party, Bitches screw everyone at the party except you.

Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!

What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?

How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip!

What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Why do bunnies have soft sex?
They have cotton balls

What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
Thanks for coming.

How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Read more:


A tall well-built woman with good

reputation who can cook frog

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classical music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

Read more:

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

Q. Why do dwarves laugh while they play soccer?
A. Cuz the grass tickles their balls.

Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese.

Q.  Why do gorillas have such big nostrills?
A.  They have big fingers!

Q.  How do you get Holy Water?
A.  Boil the hell out of it.

Q.  What do you call nuts on a wall?
A.  Wal-nuts.

Q.  What do you call nuts on your chest?
A.  Chest-nuts.

Q.  What do you call nuts on your chin?
A.  A dick in your mouth.

Read more:


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

He who hesitates is boss.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

Read more:

Confucius Says . . .

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone
Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
Confucius say, baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
Confucius say, better to be pissed off than pissed on
Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long
Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist
Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people
Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok
Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab
Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement
Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up
Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny
Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit
Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground
Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face
Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts
Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy
Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge
Confucius say, waitress who sit on lepper's lap, keep tip
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef
Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard
Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle
Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose
Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
Confucius say, sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies behind
Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk
Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there
Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point
Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker
Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring
Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself
Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have
Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump
Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back
Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service
Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more
Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack
Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick
Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face
Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock
Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self
Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self
Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose
Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink
Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money
Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers

Read more:

Answering Machine Messages

Congratulations!  You've just been selected to leave a message at the tone.

You got the machine, you know the routine At the tone, you're on your own.

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message."

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" 

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be
right with you.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting
your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's
why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will
never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. 

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. 

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Read more:

Pick-Up Lines

To hell with 69 hon, I'll give you 68 and owe you one.

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Aicarumba...are those real?

Be unique and different, just say yes.

Can I flirt with you?

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Greetings and salivations

Honey, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

Do you want to see something swell?

Do you work for UPS / FedEx? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

Have I seen you before? Oh, yeah, I remember - it was in the dictionary under the word FANBLEEDINGTASTIC!

Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?

Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap hotel room across the street.

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

I have 4 words for you "Hol I Day Inn".

If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?

If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.

Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell.

Screw me if I'm wrong, but I could swear you were Julia Roberts.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word.

You've been a bad, bad girl (boy). Now go to my room!

Your Daddy must play the trumpet, cos he sure made me horny!

Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

I bet you $40 you're gonna turn me down.

I know that Milk does the body good, but damn!, how much you been drinking?

I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

I'm betting that you cannot wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful every day.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Seriously honey, sex is like Pizza. Even if it bad, it still pretty darn good.

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: if you treat me right I'll do it your way

You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.

You know the Power company is looking for you coz you're so electrifying.

You know, I ain't this tall. I'm just sitting on my wallet.

You're like a Pringle. Once I pop ya, I just can't stop ya.

Wanna go halves in on a bastard?

Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

Wanna go for some pizza and sex?  What you don't like pizza?!

Read more:


101 Ways to Annoy People

submitted by Kinze Shawn

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


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